00:00 - Christ, I pirated the dev version. I'm okay with just keeping my hands off the noclip key, but I seriously hope there isn't a lot of game-breaking bugs still left in here. 00:08 - Fuck, this opening is dumb. First off, who the hell thinks its clever to include a song that talks about zombies in a zombie game? Second, why is this woman so pissed off at our drunken main character walking into a women's bathroom when she's currently TENDING TO A WOMAN BLEEDING TO DEATH ON THE FLOOR? Why not try something a little more productive, like shouting, HOLY FUCK CALL AN AMBULANCE. Lastly, the opening implies that you are one of the four main characters, not showing you much other than a hand swinging in front of their face and getting drunk off their fucking gord, but it's pretty obvious who it is given the fact that it's obviously a male, and the other male character shows up to talk shit to him in the first minute. 00:11 - Starting over to play as "Sam B", because I was stupid and assumed that the character labelled 'throwing expert' would, like, toss zombies around like a fuckin pro. No, he just tosses ... actually I don't know, but he tosses junk at zombies. I ain't no projectile spammer, boy. What's annoying about this is, if there are a bunch of character-unique skills, they make no effort into explaining what the hell they are, so you've got no clue if who you're going to pick is even remotely going to fit your style. I mean, the two choices I've got is "Blunt Weapons Expert" and "Sharp Weapons Expert". The fuck does that mean? No, I know the different between the two, but they're both melee weapons that, in a video game, basically have the same effect. What am I suppose to expect from either of these two? 00:16 - Okay, so, wait, HE wrote the song in the intro? So...then...who...fuck it, okay, fuck it. 00:18 - So, you've got a stamina bar. Drains a little when you run. Drains a fuckton when you punch. Doesn't drain when you kick, but if you jump THEN kick, you lose pretty much half the entire stamina bar. The hell? Are they making flying jump kicks an actual mechanic? 00:20 - ...so why is every breakable vase in this game filled with red liquid? 00:21 - So, first room outside of my character's room is one with two dead bodies. Axe on the ground, but I can't take it with me for some reason. The blood on the floor has AWFUL texturing. I can see the shadow of my character on the wall. If you've ever seen those third-person videos of the dev version, you know just how fucked up the animations can get. My character apparently punches by holding his arms outwards and tilting his torso left and right. Fancy. 00:24 - ...I'm already carrying a flashlight with me? Why did my character, wake up, hungover as fuck, and immediately grab a flashlight before leaving his room? Yeah, there's clearly been a lot of struggle, but I have no idea if my character is even reacting to his. 00:25 - And why the fuck are there gears in a hotel room drawer? 00:27 - I've already rifled through so many fucking drawers and luggage bags scrouging up items. I fucking love the one room with about 7 luggage bags lined up next to each other, each that I have to manually check. For the love of christ, there's nothing about this that seems remotely necessary, just let me scan a remote area of bags, at least. And why would I open this bag and NOT take the battery or the ten bucks within? I don't see evidence of it weighing me down, so it's just more dull clicking I need to constantly do. Granted, I could do none of it, but I assume I'm going to need this shit, and it adds so much to the game to systematically scan every room for shit while NOTHING IS GOING ON. 00:30 - This is where I got stuck momentarily the first time. After a brief, pointless cutscene that adds to the suspense that, gasp, something strange is going on in DEAD ISLAND, you're suppose to turn around where there's a broken elevator, and CLIMB INSIDE OF IT FROM THE ROOM OF THE CART. Like, okay, I can see now there was a mission that popped up briefly of 'find the elevator shaft', but why in the hell would my character see the staircase door being propped closed by a fucking diner cart, and think, WELP, BETTER CLIMB INTO A BROKEN ELEVATOR. And, what appears to be a framed picture that's invisible from one side is still pointlessly floating above the elevator shaft. I have no idea what the fuck that is. 00:34 - Oh, you can't see the dialogue to open the elevator hatch if you're too close to it. Also, after opening it, the game gives you a mission update if "Get in the elevator". No shit? 00:36 - And despite me not following very specific orders that one time, this time you're given a speech through the elevator speakers by some bloke. The mission log says: "FOLLOW THE VOICE'S ORDERS". KAY. 00:38 - So I'm in a room with a bunch of survivors. They have green text above their heads telling me their names. REALISM! 00:40 - I can't actually communicate with anybody to figure out whats going on. Not that I need much an explaination myself, but for what I assume is a story-heavy RPG, it's being pretty weird about it. One guy is LOUDLY expositing to himself in the corner, not sounding crazy or anything, just annoyed. One of the multitudes of bikini-clad women in this room stops me and forces me to go save some guy, which my character apparently has no say in. So, off I go, I guess. 00:44 - So I get thrown in a battle with like 4 zombies. IMMEDIATELY after the cutscene stops, I'm being grappled and have to do some quick time event that I fuck up because it requires you right click at a specific point, and I'm just mashing left click to punt the fucker. Regardless, I bash in some heads, some guy I'm trying to help responds with "Thanks, mates!" to me, the only other living person outside. You know a game was meant for multiplayer when... 00:47 - Jee-zus these animations are awful. Not the weird dev ones, I mean cutscene characters move so fucking awkwardly, and lip sync is pretty much NAW MAN DONT EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT. Anyway, I've been given a quest that I can accept or deny, and I get a very silly looking notepad page with largely written text, as if my character wrote down all the details, and is now examining it thoroughly to decide if whether or not this will be worth his trouble. I don't know why I'd say no, and I instinctively feel the need to say yes when a game gives me a mission, so, okay, let's hopefully get on with the real show. 00:53 - So I get to glance at the skill tree now. I can apparently get a punch so devestating that it "literally" sends opponents flying. What. 00:56 - If I don't find a hamburger in one of these trash cans I will be severely disappointed. 00:58 - I am chuggin energy drinks like a mothafuck over here. Also my guy is really pissed off about punching zombies while they're down. 01:01 - There is an alive guy literally sitting in a swimming pool filled with blood. He's upset because of family blah blah, but what I wanna know is how the fuck is he still alive? He's SURROUNDED in zombies. Is HE another badass zombie killer like ourselves? By the way, I've lost two weapons so far. It's mostly gotten down to me knocking zombies in the head with whatever I have, then kicking them repeatedly in the skull til they stop moving. I get the feeling that no matter what cool weapon I can make, I'll refuse due to the idea of it immediately breaking the fuck apart after killing two or three minor zombies. 01:06 - Y'know for as much as I love zombie characters, actual stories based on zombie outbreaks, or general falls of civilizations thanks to science, are getting pretty fucking boring. I just picked up an audio recording and it was blah blah bad things happening but we'll uncover the secrets holy fuck this is so tired. 01:08 - Why are all these people in swimsuits carrying shit like cash? The fuck do they store it? 01:11 - Combat is so stupid. You wildly swing your melee weapon til you knock em down, then you repeatedly stomp on them like a psychopath until they're dead. And there's one zombie that I gradually walked close to, who didn't respond, so I just walked right by him. He didn't give a fuck. Alright. 01:13 - Found a beach ball. Kicked it around. It doesn't roll, but simply teleports about 3 feet forward when you hit it with anything, still completely motionless. What. 01:16 - The paddle that I grabbed when I left here has mysteriously returned! 01:22 - The energy drinks sprinkled all over this fucking game are like the worlds most sparratic doom mapper giving you most of your health via health bonuses. They also have the label of '1$' below them, but they don't give you a dollar, they don't take away a dollar, and they don't go into your inventory for selling. So I don't know what the fuck. 01:28 - I might have to take what I said about melee back, because I just found like 6 weapons on the way over to my next goal. Regardless, you can still go through most encounters with just your foot, so we'll just have to see how that plays out. Also, I just rescued a guy and am following him inside a building. The AI apparently couldn't handle walking a straight path, fell off the small incline, then speed-warped over to the correct path. 01:32 - Admittedly, the game gives you a pretty large landscape to fuck around in, and probably rewards you well enough for going off, finding, and doing sidequests, so anybody with a knack for job hunting might like this!? 01:38 - "THIS IS FUCKED UP!" *Loots zombies he just murdered* One thing about this game is everything requires you to be slow. You have to search every nook and cranny for items in order to feel like you're really surviving, and you can't rush anywhere because you'll end up cornered by the zombies you didn't see following you. Everything about this game is walking and observing, and actual combat is wild swinging. What I loved in L4D about melee was that you could swipe through entire crowds with one swing, and charge right through, but here, you feel like you're hogtied to take everything slowly and deal with each threat one at a time, otherwise you'll get very little use out of your brittle weapon and just get swarmed. 01:43 - Got a 'challenge' completed. Let's check to see what other challenges we've got here... - Who butchers the butchers - Let the zombies hit the floor - YA RLY - Somebody set up us the bomb - My collectables, let me show you them! - Its WAY over 9000! Fuck my life. 01:45 - Apparently rapmaster loc can't hit a zombie with a fucking stick within the range the same zombie can hit him. Excellent work. 01:47 - Okay, seriously, you can beat any encounter in this game by kicking and stomping. I have no idea why this requires no stamina, but punching does. 01:50 - Oh, nevermind, encounterd a big zombie, where I was mostly useless and just kinda wailed on the guy with my melee and killed him before he killed me. Fascinating. 01:57 - A plane directly above made an emergency landing. I know this because they told me about it 3 times before I went up to the roof to activate the trigger to see them actually do it. 02:01 - Oh good, fast travel. Are they banking more on realism or RPG? Because it's trying to be a balance of both and failing. 02:03 - My god I am a walking arsenal of brittle melee weapons and small household objects. 02:06 - Haha okay, I found one of those objects where you randomly have to hold the use button instead of just press it, so I mash the use key, my character's arm spazzes out, and then the game takes the wheel like "Okay smart ass" and just activates the hold use key bar automatically. 02:11 - I do like how when I get knocked down by the big zombie, and I slooooooowly get up to my feet, they politely wait for me to get up before thinking about persuing, if they even do. Hell, the zombies around him seem to want to wait their turn when big man is on the field. 02:15 - Okay fighting this big dude is retarded. I run in, I bash him, he throws me across the room. I regenerate the health I lose during my tedious getting up animation, and the fight goes no where. Randomly, I pulled out a knife to see what would happen, and proceeded to, like, headbutt me several times while I stabbed him like a maniac. 02:17 - Okay, seriously, when a zombie slings his arm at you so hard it knocks you on your ass, they just flat out forget you exist and start wandering around. The hell? 02:20 - My god the shadow of my characters absolutely bizarre running animation is even better than seeing the animation itself. 02:25 - Okay so that was a tougher encounter with a group of zombies while I had little health. Problem, though. Health regenerates to about 20% full in a matter of seconds, and I'm not under the impression anything can kill you that quickly. So you get knocked down, regenerate your health while zombies shamble towards their spawn location for whatever reason. Take a couple of hits, back up, bam, instant heal. In what should have been a fatal encounter due to me being massively unprepared, I just took two steps back every second to avoid dying. 02:31 - ...fuck it, I'm bored with this.